Really amazing, articulate piece of writing! Thank you. I also read that horrible piece in the NYT. It was surreal and gave cover for people who are emotionally abusive to continue. The following resonated with me because of my experience of sibling abuse.
“… challenges outdated perspectives about abuse, and that’s scary for people who have been emotionally abusive and do not want to face their own shame, take accountability, or change their behavior.
Another scary fact: Families contain abusive people who go on to abuse other people.”
Experienced this all firsthand, with the component of generational physical and emotional abuse. The fear of accountability and not knowing how to change behavior is strong in people who are abusive. There’s also family shame and badmouthing the abused person to extended family members, who weren’t around to witness the abuse. They haven’t a clue. Please keep writing. I look forward to reading your book.
Thanks so much for your kind words and for sharing some of your own story. It’s so common for the truthteller to be seen as the betrayer — just by naming what happened to them, protecting themselves, or seeking healthier relationships. People with stories like ours deserve more visibility and support in their healing, and I hope to contribute to that :)
Unless they are around someone they perceive as higher status: a random dude in a suit, a pastor, their boss, their "dadddyyyyy". Then they suddenly know exactly how to be respectful and pleasant.
"They haven’t a clue"
Indeed, and it's their job to recognize that fact and check up on the person being badmouthed. Ask the target whether they are ok and see what's really going on.
"I didn't know it was a lie!1"
And you didn't know it was the truth, either. People who believe *want* to believe. They were waiting for a reason to look down on and insult the most courageous family member, whom they always hated for being an example of a standard that they knew they should be reaching for.
"There’s also family shame and badmouthing the abused person to extended family members, who weren’t around to witness the abuse." My mother did this proactively and succeeded in convincing everyone that I was neurotic, so I wouldn't be believed if I did say anything about the emotional abuse outside of the family. Years later when cousins got to know me as an adult, they were startled to find I was nothing like they'd always been told I was.
A friend who was sexually abused by her father for years as a child was repeatedly scolded by both father and mother, "No one wants to hear what YOU think!"
These are preemptive strategies to keep you from telling and making sure you won't be believed if you do.
Thank you for putting this out in the world. I didn't read the NYT article, but I did read a similar post in my Substack feed that was as equally ignorant. I'm so grateful your post was here to wash away the other one! If you haven't read Jessica Berger Gross's memoir Estranged, it illustrates how abuse in its many forms leads to family estrangement. I highly recommend it.
Update: I just read Mel's NYT op-ed. It's very short, judgmental and lacks substance. As a freelance writer, I find it a poor choice on NYT's part to run it. There are far better opinion pieces out there worthy of their readers' times.
I chose estrangement for many of the reasons you outline. While working on my recovery, I realized that estrangement had been modeled to me by the adults in my life. My mother spent years estranged from her family. This was peppered by periodic effusive reconciliations. Very confusing as a child. Do we like Aunt Edith now or not? No reasons ever given, although, as I got older, my mother confided her reasons to me. I stopped communication with my mother when I got sober. I didn't have the coping tools to be around her and stay sober. Estrangement was my first use of my personal agency, but I had already seen it as a choice. No regrets.
Thanks for this. I sent Mel Robbins an email about this piece. I’m so glad I didn’t read it in its entirety, but read a Substack summary that was enough.
What was striking, and that I shared with her, is the tone deafness that is basically gaslighting.
And yes, of course, abuse is what drives decisions about estrangement.
But also —sometimes there are simply no real connections with people we’re related to. Like, zero -which becomes harmful, another form of abuse. And so estrangement is really just accepting that reality, giving up cultural illusions and expectations and carrying on.
I thought it was rich that Mel Robbins, with no professional training in psychology that I’ve heard of, considers herself what, an “expert” that knows better than all the people reading her nonsense what choices they should make about their families.
Thank you for this. As recently as last week, a family member told me how the person I'm estranged from is really a good person. He may be a wonderful person to everyone else, but he definitely was not to me. After years of separation and even more of therapy, my mental health is better than it ever was and I think that's telling. I wish certain family members could see that, but in the end I don't need them to because I do.
Well said and a perfect rebuttal to those who cannot understand the reality of a child who is dismissed for whatever reason. Estranged parents need to see their child’s truth as well as their own. There are always two sides to a story. Being deaf to the other side is not a strategy to repair a relationship.
This is such a helpful article - I'm sad that it hasn't had more exposure. Only just turned up in my feed, so hopefully its influence, although slow, will be steady.
This is a tough issue. Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated and I am so grateful that emotional abuse is finally being recognized. I have been a victim of it but I have also been an abuser. Unfortunately a lot of the abuse has been normalized in our society. I think of the show Roseanne in the 80s, I cringed watching it then. The United States is an abusive society, just look at our movies, media and the way we talk to each other. It is very hard to adjust from things that are normalized to reality. It is very tough. I pray we get to a better place as a society.
I'm sorry you were abused . I'm glad you have more peace and happiness now . Just remember every family isn't like this . Their are a lot , but like me , my kids , husband and family are my everything . Yet my daughter is estranged . I went to therapy for a year and ask her to go . She wouldn't . My son and theirvdad have always connected . But , our daughter from a early age didn't want me to play with her , comb her hair . As , she got preteen , she still was by herself. We would take the kids on vacation . She rode the golf carts mostly with her dad . Sometimes with me . Our boy was the first born and he loves everyone . He clung to me until he got older . Then he and his dad talks a lot . He lives out of state and calls often . We miss our daughter so much . I guess we never bonded and I feel guilty , because I have no reason why . My mom noticed her quite behavior toward her and ask me if she might have hurt her feelings . This was when she was like 5 or 6 . I said , no Mom . She's just quite like her dad . She loves you . I don't know what to do . We've seen her 3 times in 5 years . My health is getting worse . I break out in a rash when I worry .
In families it isn’t a matter of political arguments between adult children and differences of opinion - it’s from a family system participating in a non functional organization that most likely can start from childhood when tiny individuals are gaslit, controlled, manipulated, emotionally neglected or bullied, betrayed and guilted or shamed by conditions put on them by adult caregivers/parents who will just as easily disown than they are to resolve a conflict. It comes from no love and only protecting a “house of cards built on sand in a windstorm” By the time victims are adults and choose therapy damage has already been done and it’s extremely difficult to separate the “family” gaslighting from one’s self. There needs to be more trauma informed therapy available because often therapy tries to tell the client it is up to them to remedy the “break” between them and family rather than recognizing that their c-ptsd is not the traumatized persons fault. The non functioning family refuses to take responsibility for the actions and are suspended in gaslighting and lies and manipulation to keep going. If they were aware and took responsibility, the “family”would dissolve and collapse. To be healthy in those situations one must a choose estrangement and get away from giving away of self to performative and conditional abuses set by the system. (I call it a cult).
I am sorry Lauren that you have had such a difficult time with your family. However, family ties are not a "fantasy" and many estrangements do not result from "abuse" but other, often normal, family issues that a person does not have the capacity to mitigate.
Absolutely. We need new prompts for how to have these conversations — currently writing about SUPPORT, so I appreciate the nudge to cover these important topics.
Really amazing, articulate piece of writing! Thank you. I also read that horrible piece in the NYT. It was surreal and gave cover for people who are emotionally abusive to continue. The following resonated with me because of my experience of sibling abuse.
“… challenges outdated perspectives about abuse, and that’s scary for people who have been emotionally abusive and do not want to face their own shame, take accountability, or change their behavior.
Another scary fact: Families contain abusive people who go on to abuse other people.”
Experienced this all firsthand, with the component of generational physical and emotional abuse. The fear of accountability and not knowing how to change behavior is strong in people who are abusive. There’s also family shame and badmouthing the abused person to extended family members, who weren’t around to witness the abuse. They haven’t a clue. Please keep writing. I look forward to reading your book.
Thanks so much for your kind words and for sharing some of your own story. It’s so common for the truthteller to be seen as the betrayer — just by naming what happened to them, protecting themselves, or seeking healthier relationships. People with stories like ours deserve more visibility and support in their healing, and I hope to contribute to that :)
"..not knowing how to change their behavior .."
Unless they are around someone they perceive as higher status: a random dude in a suit, a pastor, their boss, their "dadddyyyyy". Then they suddenly know exactly how to be respectful and pleasant.
"They haven’t a clue"
Indeed, and it's their job to recognize that fact and check up on the person being badmouthed. Ask the target whether they are ok and see what's really going on.
"I didn't know it was a lie!1"
And you didn't know it was the truth, either. People who believe *want* to believe. They were waiting for a reason to look down on and insult the most courageous family member, whom they always hated for being an example of a standard that they knew they should be reaching for.
Great points. Thank you.
"There’s also family shame and badmouthing the abused person to extended family members, who weren’t around to witness the abuse." My mother did this proactively and succeeded in convincing everyone that I was neurotic, so I wouldn't be believed if I did say anything about the emotional abuse outside of the family. Years later when cousins got to know me as an adult, they were startled to find I was nothing like they'd always been told I was.
A friend who was sexually abused by her father for years as a child was repeatedly scolded by both father and mother, "No one wants to hear what YOU think!"
These are preemptive strategies to keep you from telling and making sure you won't be believed if you do.
I’m sorry that happened to you. The betrayal is so damaging.
Thank you for putting this out in the world. I didn't read the NYT article, but I did read a similar post in my Substack feed that was as equally ignorant. I'm so grateful your post was here to wash away the other one! If you haven't read Jessica Berger Gross's memoir Estranged, it illustrates how abuse in its many forms leads to family estrangement. I highly recommend it.
Oh, awesome. I'll check it out - thanks!
Update: I just read Mel's NYT op-ed. It's very short, judgmental and lacks substance. As a freelance writer, I find it a poor choice on NYT's part to run it. There are far better opinion pieces out there worthy of their readers' times.
I chose estrangement for many of the reasons you outline. While working on my recovery, I realized that estrangement had been modeled to me by the adults in my life. My mother spent years estranged from her family. This was peppered by periodic effusive reconciliations. Very confusing as a child. Do we like Aunt Edith now or not? No reasons ever given, although, as I got older, my mother confided her reasons to me. I stopped communication with my mother when I got sober. I didn't have the coping tools to be around her and stay sober. Estrangement was my first use of my personal agency, but I had already seen it as a choice. No regrets.
Thanks for this. I sent Mel Robbins an email about this piece. I’m so glad I didn’t read it in its entirety, but read a Substack summary that was enough.
What was striking, and that I shared with her, is the tone deafness that is basically gaslighting.
And yes, of course, abuse is what drives decisions about estrangement.
But also —sometimes there are simply no real connections with people we’re related to. Like, zero -which becomes harmful, another form of abuse. And so estrangement is really just accepting that reality, giving up cultural illusions and expectations and carrying on.
I thought it was rich that Mel Robbins, with no professional training in psychology that I’ve heard of, considers herself what, an “expert” that knows better than all the people reading her nonsense what choices they should make about their families.
Fantastic piece. Thank you
Thank you for this. As recently as last week, a family member told me how the person I'm estranged from is really a good person. He may be a wonderful person to everyone else, but he definitely was not to me. After years of separation and even more of therapy, my mental health is better than it ever was and I think that's telling. I wish certain family members could see that, but in the end I don't need them to because I do.
Very well said! I am writing a book for parents with an estranged adult child, and THIS is one of the things I most want them to understand.
Well said and a perfect rebuttal to those who cannot understand the reality of a child who is dismissed for whatever reason. Estranged parents need to see their child’s truth as well as their own. There are always two sides to a story. Being deaf to the other side is not a strategy to repair a relationship.
This is such a helpful article - I'm sad that it hasn't had more exposure. Only just turned up in my feed, so hopefully its influence, although slow, will be steady.
What about emotional neglect? Does that count as abuse?
ABSOLUTELY! Neglect is sometimes more damaging than abuse.
This is a tough issue. Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated and I am so grateful that emotional abuse is finally being recognized. I have been a victim of it but I have also been an abuser. Unfortunately a lot of the abuse has been normalized in our society. I think of the show Roseanne in the 80s, I cringed watching it then. The United States is an abusive society, just look at our movies, media and the way we talk to each other. It is very hard to adjust from things that are normalized to reality. It is very tough. I pray we get to a better place as a society.
I'm sorry you were abused . I'm glad you have more peace and happiness now . Just remember every family isn't like this . Their are a lot , but like me , my kids , husband and family are my everything . Yet my daughter is estranged . I went to therapy for a year and ask her to go . She wouldn't . My son and theirvdad have always connected . But , our daughter from a early age didn't want me to play with her , comb her hair . As , she got preteen , she still was by herself. We would take the kids on vacation . She rode the golf carts mostly with her dad . Sometimes with me . Our boy was the first born and he loves everyone . He clung to me until he got older . Then he and his dad talks a lot . He lives out of state and calls often . We miss our daughter so much . I guess we never bonded and I feel guilty , because I have no reason why . My mom noticed her quite behavior toward her and ask me if she might have hurt her feelings . This was when she was like 5 or 6 . I said , no Mom . She's just quite like her dad . She loves you . I don't know what to do . We've seen her 3 times in 5 years . My health is getting worse . I break out in a rash when I worry .
In families it isn’t a matter of political arguments between adult children and differences of opinion - it’s from a family system participating in a non functional organization that most likely can start from childhood when tiny individuals are gaslit, controlled, manipulated, emotionally neglected or bullied, betrayed and guilted or shamed by conditions put on them by adult caregivers/parents who will just as easily disown than they are to resolve a conflict. It comes from no love and only protecting a “house of cards built on sand in a windstorm” By the time victims are adults and choose therapy damage has already been done and it’s extremely difficult to separate the “family” gaslighting from one’s self. There needs to be more trauma informed therapy available because often therapy tries to tell the client it is up to them to remedy the “break” between them and family rather than recognizing that their c-ptsd is not the traumatized persons fault. The non functioning family refuses to take responsibility for the actions and are suspended in gaslighting and lies and manipulation to keep going. If they were aware and took responsibility, the “family”would dissolve and collapse. To be healthy in those situations one must a choose estrangement and get away from giving away of self to performative and conditional abuses set by the system. (I call it a cult).
I am sorry Lauren that you have had such a difficult time with your family. However, family ties are not a "fantasy" and many estrangements do not result from "abuse" but other, often normal, family issues that a person does not have the capacity to mitigate.
The peace is the best part, and it’s so hard-won. Happy for you!
Absolutely. We need new prompts for how to have these conversations — currently writing about SUPPORT, so I appreciate the nudge to cover these important topics.